January 24, 2015

Marriage, children and other disasters

Just when I thought I had problems, well...I realize I do have problems.
  Turns out Friday evenings are great to see your friends. I may even go as far as saying that it's a wonderful idea. Go out to a pub, have a bite to eat, a drink and talk about ...anything and absolutely nothing.
     Unless your friends are married and mothers to the sons of anarchy.

Last night I realized one more time that Kidzilla is really a little angel who will turn 6 in a few days. 6 years old! Oh dear God! I am really getting old! I meant to say old..er.
Aunty Acid
    One of the things you become aware of when you turn 30 is not necessarily how many things you lack or how far you are from where you wish to be at that age: it's how little time you have left.
  Once you passed 30 there's yet another surprise: for you, time does not pass by the same way it does for the younger or older than you. Time goes by faster...and faster. 
    I know all you 30 somethings are well aware of this, but for me, it was quite a shock to discover it.

      Anyways, I am getting away from the point. I was telling you about the friends I've seen last night: 2 desperate mothers, as my father elegantly called them. 
Grown women, like Queen B says in this song I've been obsessing over this week:

  When I was younger and kid-less, I was one of those persons who cannot be around people with kids. You know why? Because they can't stop talking about their kids. 
No matter the conversation - politics, literature, sex, 50 shades of Grey, Buddha, religion, Jesus Christ - you always end up talking about kids.
I swore not to be one of those people. 

 Now that I am a mother as well, I am forced to listen to these people and I'm not allowed to complain. 
  So last night I listened to my friends talk about their marriages and children and lack of sex (something I related to due to the KID's absence).
Mother and wife number one - 4 year old son; been with her husband for 12 years - on the verge of punching anyone  in the face -

Mother and wife number 2 - 2 and a half year old son; with husband for 5 or 6 years (not sure, I'm afraid), on the verge of punching mother in law in the face -
Mother number 3 - 6 year old son, abstinent (but not voluntarily) for 21 days -
  ...AND SEX

   What the first two have in common, besides the obvious: their children are Antichrists and they have mother in law issues.

Get this: 

  - their kids bang their heads against walls, doors, furniture even though their poor mothers beg them not to
      but when their mothers try a bit of reverse psychology telling them to do it, well...the little devils stop with a little grin on their face

- they want things and they want them now
          - Mom, I want Oreos.
           - Honey, I don't have Oreos now.
         - I want Oreos!
          - We're just few steps away from the store, baby; we can go and get some right now.
         - No, I want them now!!!!
  and you got it: the next thing they do is scream and cry and roll on the street to get what they want ...even though it's impossible to get what they want at that specific moment

- they scream and shout cause they don't want to have a bath; then once in the tub, the circus begins again cause they don't want to get out of it

- they go to bed but they don't fall asleep unless: 
          they hear a story
            they have another glass of milk
              their mothers stay up with them 
                the window is open cause it's too hot in the room
                    the window is shut cause it's too cold in the room
                       the TV is on just for them to turn it off
                          the daddy comes in to play 
                             their toys are arranged in alphabetical order
                               etc etc

Did I mention that they want all the above at once?

- they hit whoever doesn't obey and that includes mother, grandmother and other close relatives

And I thought my kid had issues with anger.

    Another thing married women have to deal with when they give up taming the little beasts (sorry girls, couldn't help it :-))) are the in-laws. This is one thing I've managed to escape...so far.

    Hearing them complain about their mothers in law was like watching  Monster in law
Seems like these women will stop at nothing.
   From going through their daughter in law's closet to feeding their grandchildren all kinds of crap, to complaining to their sons about their poor taste in wives and so on and so forth...

  The irony is that the 3 of us girls have boys and I wonder if this will turn us into monsters in law later. In our crazy rush to protect our sons and to give them everything, will we become some kind of "terrorists" and spend our time intimidating and driving crazy any girl that would dare approach our precious little princes?

     Who knows? lack of sex and drink creates monsters ...
but for now, we're...FLAWLESS


January 9, 2015

Gotta love dogs and trees

    Day 5 of the rest of the 6 months

Since the temperatures are waaaay below 0, my dogs have decided not to leave the house...except for extreme necessities. But who could blame them? Look outside 
My yard and my little Kidzilla
Even though one of them couldn't hold it in and raised his leg against my Christmas tree that I still haven't taken down.
What can I say? I love my tree and I think it'll stick around for at least a month or so..

The legos are KIDZILLA's touch ;-)

    Anyhow..talking about the dogs, the lady, Lucky that is, has become unusually affectionate and loving and ..she's a little leech, actually.
She is just another needy chick.
But you gotta love dogs and my little Lucky is coming from the streets. But look at her now; a dog's life, hein?

PS: 3 posts in 3 days must be my personal record. This is something new for me this year...

January 8, 2015

Let's get some sleep

    Night 4 - INSOMNIA rules! Or...NOT! 

The thing I like most, besides coffee and sex is SLEEP. Yes, I am pretty sure I like SLEEPING more than the other 2. 
Lack of SLEEP makes me not a very nice person.
Therefore, if you read all the above you will realize that I am not a very nice person right now. 

    It is almost 4 am where I am; I should be up in about 3 hours to get my son to school. 
Once I do this, I will have about 8 hours to get some sleep in my not very clean house, with my two very dirty dogs that have been staying in most of the time due to the fact that it is 15 degrees below 0 outside.
   In my defense, I'd like to say that the house is partially clean and that is because each day I vacuum some parts of it. The KID would be proud ...or NOT! 
Cause he is like a cleaning military... something. 
Yeap, my rebellion, now that he's gone is doing the dishes once in a while and vacuuming some parts of the house.
The important thing is that KIDZILLA's room is clean ...maybe a bit dusty, but I'll solve this tomorrow ...today actually considering the hour.

    So...what to do...what to do? I could watch some adult movies just to see what all the fuss is about, but instead I choose something even more exciting: a game called MINION RUSH. 
Google image
Wow! Am I a wild one or what? 
It's a game for kids, you'll say! Ha! Just try it and we'll see how smart you are :-)
Let me tell you something about this game: it is THE most annoying ever! At least for me.
    My son got me to level 5 and in 2 hours I was absolutely incapable of going past it.
What I was supposed to do was to increase my despicable multiplier one time in a run...whatever that means and collect some bananas on the way.
  So my little minion is running trying to avoid some things that get into his way. And that's not easy!
Each time I think I'm there, I hit a rolling bomb 

or my little minion gets electrocuted 

or falls from really really high cause I wasn't fast enough to make him jump over the ...thing.
     I try and I try and I try again...nothing. The phone battery dies and saves me from throwing the phone out the window..at 15 below 0.

      Now...talking about mature things, I do have one question: do your kids eat things that only a pregnant woman would? 
Mine asked me for a sandwich made up of bread, obviously, butter, strawberry jam...nothing really out of the ordinary so far, but wait: he wanted cheese on top of these two. 
Not to mention his raw cucumber and ketchup. But I guess kids will eat ketchup with just about anything, right? 
Will update you on the minions if INSOMNIA continues...and I'm not talking about the song. Hey...that's a good idea!
Google image

January 7, 2015


             Ho, ho, ho or something something...Oh wait! 
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May this year be better than the one that just ended for all of you!

Respect to those who start the year with their resolution lists. 
I wish you all to find what it takes and not give up. 
I am the Antichrist of New Year's resolutions. 
    I can't even make a grocery list and stick to it, let alone life changing decisions and plans.
   I take things as they come, make the decision that first comes to mind without over-thinking it and don't plan too much ahead cause each time I do, something miraculously screws everything up at the last minute.

I still can't believe we're in 2015! 
   If I were to pay attention to all those SF movies I've seen back in my high school days, the world should have been taken over by robots or machines or...some kind of AI, for sure.
 But luckily, we weren't smart enough to create such things :-) Except for Wall-E :-)
  No time traveling, no space ships fast enough to take us several light years away in no time...nothing. Nothing except for...smartphones! 
     Oh yes! Our money is spent on phones that we only use for a year (best case scenario), cause by the time we get used to it, there's the new 2.0 version out that we absolutely must have. 
     I'm only hoping one day my smartphone will also be used for cooking my dinner...and I don't mean recipes! that's gonna be money well spent!
   I'm curious about one thing though: can a stupid person own a smartphone? 
Never mind: the Bitch owns one, so no more mystery here.

    Let me tell you that I am having yet another strange start to the year. 
   I am being left ...again. And the funny thing is that it happened the same day. Never mind...

No, I was not dumped...yet. I was left alone for a few months and I am handling it very well, as you can see:
Google image
But it's for a good cause.

My man, aka the KID (sounds funny when I say it out loud) went to work ...away from home to make a future for himself. Yes, he will argue with what I just said by saying he left for US. Ok, KID! Whatever you say ;-) 
   He did leave me to one of our friends, so to speak. One of our male friends, that is. For the next few months, there's someone looking out for me in case I ever have a problem.
   I am however in a long distance relationship with the KID . Isn't that funny? But obviously there's a start for everything.

I think I have to improve my phone sex skills though.
Google image

big change since I'm alone: INSOMNIA
I haven't had a good night sleep since he left. Yes, I look like shit, there's coffee running through my veins and my room looks as if a bomb exploded in the middle. Other than that...everything's fine.

big change...if I can call it like that: my laptop decided to play a game called: PLUGGED IN, NOT CHARGING
WHAT THE HELL???? After Google-ing it, I find that I have to buy another battery. As if I didn't have enough expenses for the next 30 years!
 My laptop is not really working anymore and the man who could do something about it is ...away.
big change...and this one is really a biggie: MY DINNER
   From a rich meal together with the KID and KIDZILLA, I've gone to red wine and chocolate cereals.
But that's good and I hope it'll last at least for few months and I'll look like a model when the crazy gets back.

God, I hate doing the dishes! And yes, the one doing them is not here. Can this get any worse?
I now relate to something Peggy Bundy used to say:

There are two things Peggy Bundy doesn't do.

Number one: cook, clean, sew, vacuum, iron and parent.
And number two: exercise.
    The good thing about being ...home alone (with KIDZILLA, of course) is that I'll have more time to write. I have decided to finish my little book cause after 9 pm there won't be anyone next to me asking for hugs, sex, kisses, sex, attention, sex, sex.
       Wait a minute! Houston, we might have a problem! It's gonna be bad when Mona realizes her playmate is gone. Even more if I listen to this : 

or this:

So the sex problem is settled: there won't be any.

I'm on vacation this week so I guess I'll miss him more starting next week, when I'm back to work.
   The yelling sex maniac won't be there to feed me during my lunch break, nor to pick me up from work, nor to kiss me good night...and the list can go on. But I'll stop cause I don't want to turn this into a Greek tragedy. 
And he'll only be gone for a few months. That's nothing and they'll go in a blink of an eye if we look at how short life is.

  So until then, I'll enjoy my freedom. Cause, even though I ignored this, I do need some time with myself. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do...