November 18, 2013

FREEDOM and Fears

     What is freedom? do we apprehend it the right way? And no, I am not talking about the NO, YOUR HONOR, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL kind of freedom.

     In one of my previous posts, I used the expression freedom of my soul. At that stage I was under the impression that I was actually living it. Today, a lot has happened and I realize that, at that point in my life I wasn't even close to the apprehension of freedom I have now.
      It's not as tragic as it sounds, don't worry;)
Let's see...Previously in my life...

    I had a "date" with Bob to reminisce about good times and make plans to get back together. .. and there is also a blue pig flying over my house each night.
ARE YOU CRAZY??? I may be twisted, but NOT that much...You, people would believe anything :)

     The "date" was initially to settle some things with the house and the baby before I left. Left where, you'll all wonder (I hope..)? 10 months later, I finally decided to leave the house Bob and I bought together 3 years ago and buy my own for me and my baby. 
   And you, KID ;)  Yes! 
And I started writing a book; could be chick lit, could be tragedy, I don't have a clue, but I wrote my first...3 pages I think. Hey, it's a start! 
    Translation: I'm leaving the house I thought to be mine forever to Bob and the BITCH he cheated me with last year to buy another one (more beautiful I hope) where I can live (read have sex) with the KID how I damn well please. 
    Translation of the translation: that's a sarcastic bitchy cold hearted and not nearly as mean as I intended translation:)

But hear this: seems that Mrs. Bitch doesn't feel comfortable moving in the house I once owned.

     Lots have been said during those almost 3 hours (initially we told our significant others that we would be gone for one hour - there was no previous agreement between us whatsoever). Despite everything that's happened between us (and I'm almost positive that the bad things are far from being over) we were able to sit and talk and connect once more in our lives. 
      We talked about each other's plans for the future, marriage, jealousy, fears, baby.
      While telling him everything about my plans out loud,  about how I feel like I'm only starting my life now with my baby, at 32 (I mean my late 20's), I felt the pain that you only feel when you're about to burst into tears and you try to hold it in, but you can't. 
      And I am feeling it...I do feel that I am finally starting to grow and be strong and be on my own. 

Also because I was able to tell Bob serenely that I am perfectly fine with the BITCH living in my house. 

  ...In the end, what I'm leaving behind are just material things, nothing that really matters. 

And then there was Bob's turn to get all emotional when he talked about the separation and being without the baby.
and then about...
    Bob's : getting old and committing.
I wonder what kind of freedom is Bob living. Yes, he's leading a single man's life, seeing his child once every 2 days, going out with a 20 something (you know...blonde illiterate peasant..OH! If you only heard her speak), trying to fight his fears and doing everything as selfishly as possible. Not once during our 3 hour conversation has he mentioned his love for her. Everything he said was only about him and only him.
   Bitch's : moving in my house and being left by Bob comes: ME! 
She fears I might want to take Bob away from her. Right..when pigs fly, my dear! 
   THE KID may not be perfect, but so far, he hasn't left my side when I was at my worst. And I did "my best" to chase him away...

Come to think of it, maybe it's normal to feel this when you cheated on your husband and left your child to chase a man with more money and not single.
Don't get me wrong: I am not judging anyone and I do not blame her. 
I hardly believe that when your partner cheats on you, it's because they have a gun pointed to their head.
We must all assume and live with our own choices and decisions.

   Mine: my son's health/not being able to take care of him

We laughed a lot too about things only we knew... 

    Another subject was our significant others; mine was smarter (as always) and was discrete throughout the evening (no calls, no text messages, just one before I got to the restaurant to encourage me cause I was really stressed out). 
   His was annoying as always cause she is such an insecure Bi#@h (she started texting and texting again and again...until me and Bob had to call it a night) . Sorry for the bad language, I'm usually not like this , but it's Bob himself who admitted that to me. It was even funnier when he was reading me her text messages. 

     And talking about significant others...

The KID...MY KID...he'll soon live the freedom of love he's been longing for... He'll live his love freely. Soon, my love...

PS: I assure you I haven't become a romantic, mushy stuff writer/blogger
PS2: Justin's TKO  - well, I think I know it by heart now cause I've been listening to it for the last 4 hours I think



  1. Tres belle ma chere, tres bon .....!!
    Vous avez acquis une sagesse au-dela de toutes mes attentes....

    With pride and love..

  2. I somehow feel that you wrote something about Bob and the bitch and a meeting with Bob and stuff, however what I have actually read was that the KID is in fact a fine young reliable amazing MAN! a keeper :)

    1. well..we all have our ups and downs, but we have somehow succeeded in not killing each other;)

  3. Remember what Kris Kristofferson wrote "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." And you have lost so much, so recently, and so painfully that it is tempting to pretend that this is not the way life works, but it seems from this and other recent posts you have made a lot of progress in gaining the courage to take another chance, and I am happy for you.

    1. thank you so much, Tim :) your words mean a lot to me. little inside info: sometimes when I'm on my bike, I think about everything that I've lived this year and I feel like saying: You ain't seen nothing yet;)