October 12, 2013

The needy chick

     Fact: I have survived heartbreak few months ago (9, to be exact and yes, "survived" IS the right term), I have made a promise with tears of blood to never ever let anyone touch my heart again (I said my heart, not my body), I have cried and cried for months, didn't eat for days and fell asleep on my kitchen floor. All that because I was heartbroken. Boo! Hoo! some of you may say, cause I would:)

Now the questions that pop into my head are like those from a TV game show. I can even see it:
"- Has Lexy learned anything to help her in her future emotional life from those winter nights when lying on the kitchen floor with a Martini in her hands? 

A. Yes
B. No
C. Maybe
D. Hell no!"
You all guess what the correct answer is; if not, I'll give you a hint...It's not A,B or C.
Reality: I am currently in a new relationship (yes, our love/sex life is a vicious circle and it requires sacrifices). Ta daaaaa! I seem to have succeeded in actually making a 20 something guy fall for me. At my age, this is something you celebrate by going out with your friends, getting drunk and sleeping with complete strangers. Ok, ok I'm just kidding ...about the getting drunk part.

    Today I have new issues (we don't use the term "problems", learned that at work, too much negative connotation) : 
1. I don't express my love enough or at least, how the KID would want me to. Well, of course I don't, I'm not 23 anymore. This is the KID's favorite line of mine...NOT.
2. He is crazy jealous of anyone or anything that steels even a minute of the time I could have spent with him or thinking of him or...or...or....and the list could go on forever.
   I was never the kind of girl who sends 10 text messages a day or calls every hour saying: "just called to see what you were doing and if you missed me". Bleah! I'm sure there are girls who like to do this and guys who like this type of girls; I just don't believe these people ever find each other. No! There's always one in each couple. Am I right or am I right?

   I never lived these emotional needs at this level in my previous relationships (one lasted 7 years, the other 8 and... that's half of my life already). 
      Whenever I felt like a needy chick (not very often by the way), I would suppress any emotion or impulse to show my partner that. I did it because I didn't want him to feel suffocated or pressured in any way.
      And because the amount of attention I got was enough at that time and I didn't think I needed to do anything more.  So, I would wait for him to come to me, to declare his never ending love or to do things that would clearly show his affection for me and only then I would set all my feelings, emotions, impulses free, without any fear of putting myself in an inferior position before him. But despite all this, I was always the one who loved more.
    Nowadays, the difference is that, ever since me and the KID became an item (and the idea of sex friends went down the drain) my guy is acting like a needy chick...all the time. It's totally understandable, since I'm fabulous and he's madly in love (and to this day, I really have no idea what part of me, either physical or psychological,or both made him lose control over himself like that), but besides that, he's at his first experience of this kind. And he's got this Romeo and Juliet perspective on love (without the suicide part, of course). And for that.

     I am wondering now: is it normal to let someone tell you how to feel love? how to express it, how to show it? Or maybe, after some experiences, with age, we become too lazy to do anything? 

    What he wants and needs is a continuous proof of my feelings.  
    What I want and need is for him to give me time to realize it by myself that I want to do those things for him. 
    I know: I sound like an egotistical bitch. Or maybe I sound like a man. Oh come on guys, I don't mean to offend you, but it's reality! We all know and it's been scientifically proved that "women tend to have a larger deep limbic system then men, so they’re more in touch with their feelings and are better at expressing their emotions.The down side to this larger deep limbic system is that it also opens women up to depression, especially during times of hormonal shifts such as during a woman’s menstrual cycle." Surprise, surprise...
     Yes, less is more. I'm sorry, but I can't feel a crazy need to text him if he's been nagging me all day about doing it. On the contrary...
 And this doesn't mean that I don't care or I don't love him; it just means that I express it less often than he does and it's even more meaningful from my point of view. Cause, as I said before, if I suppress it and this has become as normal as breathing, when I release the scary things called FEELINGS and ROMANTIC SHIT...well...that's something only the KID and I share.

    I can already see the mean look on his face when he's going to read all this. 

But I know one thing: he's got a super power. He has a special way of looking into my eyes sometimes and seeing the love there like nowhere else and like nobody else can. There he can find all those things he craves for that I don't say or do so much. Cause as the song says: "You say it best, when you say nothing at all."
    And I realized: I would be so very hurt if he ever stopped being like he is with me, if he ever stopped saying all those nice words to me, if he ever stopped expressing what he feels for me, if he ever stopped looking into my eyes the way he does, if he ever stopped ...loving me.


  1. Ma fille, this is a beautiful love letter...as I read the last lines I could feel a tear in my eye.

    1. je la vois plutot comme une declaration de guerre, mon cher ami;)

  2. Thank you for sharing one of your informative posts.

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  3. Loved the post and the end! You somehow tend to lead us to believe that every step you take leaves thorns behind. The advantage of being an external observer is a high(er) degree of objectivity, and I can clearly see an amazing scented colorful path of roses mapping the feelings you've been through. Don't believe me, ask your last paragraph! ;;)

    1. I am now speechless (no, I will not say I AM NEVER SPEECHLESS as you may expect:)) your comment is overwhelming;) and it's completely true..come to think of it...

    2. ...Chloe seems to agree cher ami ;)) a love letter...unto life..