May 18, 2013

what the hell just happened?:)

"Sucker love is Heaven sent
You pucker up, our passion's spent
My hearts a tart, your body's rent
My body's broken, yours is bent
Carve your name into my arm
Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed

Like the naked leads the blind I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind  
Sucker love I always find Someone to bruise and leaves behind /All alone in space and time /There's nothing here but what here's mine"

     It's been almost a month since I 've been asking myself what is going on with me. My mother (who hasn't helped me at all throughout those terrible times when BOB left me, moreover, she made me fall into depression even more) says I'm living the period I haven't lived when I was a 20something girl. 
    Aaaaaannnd news flash: the KID is actually 23! GOD! I might be taken in for child abuse:) aaannnddd another news flash: I may have done some other stupid things! or better yet: more innocent than usual;) I feel like Samantha from Sex&the city.
   today, BOB came back from his holiday with the bitch. I felt nothing. Actually, I did feel something: at some point while he was in my office, I looked at him closely and, for a second, I found him ...a changed man. I am talking about a physical change: I actually saw that man he is so afraid of: a 43 year old. I asked myself : what the hell was I thinking about a month ago? It is true that love makes us stupid. And blind! How could I not see that this man was walking all over me?
   And now, when I am actually strong enough to face him with anything, he is still thinking that I am in denial. Who's in denial, darling? :) 
   I am struggling to understand what is psychologically going on with me; how is it possible to go from heart and body consuming love to absolute nothing? What would Freud say about this?

   Well, I don't think Freud would agree on the fact that the bitch and me are speaking...well, texting! yes! I am that mature! nah nah nah nah nah! Next step on the agenda: invite her and Bob over for dinner.  Well...maybeeeeee NOT! Her brain must have been toasted from all that sun she had during her holiday. I cannot believe that 4 months later I am at this stage of ...I don't even know how to call it. there must be a word for this, but maybe my brain is as fried as the bitch's.

    I am actually starting to convince myself that the problem lies in me, that it is too early to be acting this cool. This must actually be a symptom of the very deep depression that never left me, right? Cause I have no other explanation for why I am now in this phase of I DO NOT CARE, I NO LONGER WISH TO TOUCH YOU, BOB, I THINK YOU ARE GETTING OLDER, BOB, I FINALLY HAVE EYES TO SEE YOU AS YOU REALLY, TRULY ARE.

    This is my own proof that everything is relative; I have now come to understand this. I would have sworn that my love for BOB was something real, that could have almost been touched and felt physically, something that existed in me, that had a physical place somewhere in ME (my head or another part). But now, I ask myself something else: is it ME that changed or is it BOB? Has he always been like this? Has he always been a cold hearted bastard and was it me who turned him into this warm, kind man ? Have I really been that helpless while being with him?
    I have been fighting against those changes that BOB used to ask me to make. I don't know if I don't want to make them cause I am that lazy or because I still feel that it is BOB who is asking them. Maybe that I realized that every change that happens in me or with me should be my own decision, and not someone else's, especially of a cold hearted bastard who broke me every time I gave him the occasion to do it.
    And YES! I am saying it right! I was the one who was loading his gun with bullets; all he had to do is SHOOT. But now, I am finally turning the gun towards him.
   What I see now from the outside is that he's becoming happy or pleased with his current life - he may have accepted that the bitch will be the woman who will be by his side until he's ...50! cause, for some reason, it seems more and more possible that this relationship will not live to match mine and Bob's in terms of longevity.
   yesterday I confessed to Bob that I was having fun with a 23 year old. The first words that came out of his mouth were: "you know you can't have a real relationship with someone this young, don't you?" No shit. And what have you been doing, my darling? are you gonna tell me that your 43 with the bitch's 25 are discussing world politics and how to cure cancer together? have 2 brilliant minds finally found each other?
   It's really funny how me and the love of my life are now talking about our relationships (well, what I have with the KID cannot really be called a relationship) with our twenty-somethings.
   I would love to know if Bob's love was already gone when he left home, if he felt like I do now (about him) when he left me alone with a death wish.
   I have a new rule: NO FEELINGS. But even though the pain I was feeling a month ago was excruciating, I don't know if I'm really built like that. Can painful events really change who we are? some call them LIFE CHANGING and I think this is it: events can be life changing, but not people changing. We can change our perspective on things, but in the end, our soul is not touched. At least, this is what I feel about myself. Because, even though I promised myself not to get emotionally involved, I can't say I am completely insensitive to the KID.
    Or maybe it's just a physical reaction to other physical...things. I read that when we do nothing but think of the "other" all the time, it is actually an OCD reaction. Thus love is illness.

May 7, 2013

Whatever Mona wants, Mona gets!

        " Yes doctor! You can look all you want, there is nothing left there!'
This is what I would tell a love doctor today, if there were such a thing;) I don't know if it's because of the KID as I call him or it was something else, but today I can honestly, freely say : THE LOVE IS EITHER GONE OR HIDDEN. And it only took 3 and a half months...and the KID..and Sade's "cherish the day" and a biiiiiiiig need for sex. A 2 months need, to be more exact. ok...a very big need for sex:)

      Anyways, let's not waste time and truly say what's on my mind: well...nothing much lately, besides things like:
"Straight through your skin,
Pass your soul to your bones
Closer, longer, deeper
Further inside you, than you've ever known  
Desperately trying to feel ya"

      And NO! these words are not meant for HIM:) For once! lately all I do is laugh:))) just like now, when I think about my dirty little secret. Cause you didn't think the laugh magically appeared out of nowhere, did you? Well, it kinda did, to be honest.  It started out with an email, it went on with another email and it got to ...Mona:) For those who don't know Mona, well, she can be found between my legs. Lately she has been yelling that she couldn't take the depression anymore. Cause the depression has been obviously affecting her a lot. and trust me: you do NOT want to mess with Mona! 
       Whatever Mona wants, Mona gets! GOD! I sound as if I were talking about my alter ego. I am actually:) I only wish she had taken control sooner, when I had those nasty thoughts about throwing myself in that river I passed by every day on my way to that horrible place I call work. 
No matter what it is, whether it's Mona or my own self, I am truly grateful for not having committed  this fatal error (at my work place, a fatal error will cost you a lot of money). Cause now I would have a very unhappy and traumatized baby and I'd be missing out on all these wonderful things that have been happening to me.  The problem is that, the negative side of me keeps talking : BEWARE! SOMETHING BAD IS GONNA HAPPEN! 
But NO! I refuse to believe this. After all the freakin' pain, it's his turn, right? we should take turns: first that was me, now it's him.

     Last week I spent a lot of time acting crazy. I think the correct thing to say would be: I did NOT act my age. I was so turned on that I could have had sex on the street if that were possible. Yes ! I am THAT desperate. This guy completely turned my head and he's rocking my world. Damn! It should have been the other way around. I even warned him not to trust me, but I DIDN'T LISTEN!:)))

       Aaaaaaand coming back to HIM, that freaking bastard who broke my heart that we will call BOB from now on...well...he's trying to make me rebuild his relationship with our son. I don't think so, darling:) well..I'm just saying that, cause I've really tried since he asked me. The real problem lies in the fact that my son no longer asks about him, no longer wishes to call him, no longer wants to go to his apartment...nothing! He's happy when he sees him, but when he leaves, it's like BOB ceases to exist. Soooo, as a consequence, it has now become MY job to make my son want to talk to his dad. GOD!
The important thing is that my son healed earlier than I did, cause now, 4 months later, I can honestly say that I am cured. It has been a disease - I felt sick both physically and psychologically. And then suddenly, one morning, I woke up and said: what the hell have I turned into? 
   I guess there were two moments that defined the big comeback: first, the moment when a work colleague told me I was losing contact with myself and who I was. Second: when this 27 year old appeared out of nowhere and made my life beautiful again without me even asking for it. And all of a sudden, I felt strong, I felt light as a feather, I felt joy, I felt sexual, I felt power, I felt my own self, I felt..the need for sweets:) Cause falling out of depression meant starting to eat again, and not quite the healthiest food. 
      Ok, it must have been all the shit BOB made me go through, all the humiliation, all the hurting, all the pain, all the love he decided to throw away.

I still feel the guilt inside, I just no longer let it rule my life, I no longer allow BOB to act as if I was the one who cheated, as if I was the one who left our family, as if I was the one who didn't fight enough, as if I was the one who kissed my lover good bye, as if I was the one who stopped loving.

I am who I am - I no longer wish to hide myself from ME! I have made mistakes and paid for them! 
I was hurting so much that I thought only death would bring me the forgiveness I needed! 
I still need to forgive myself entirely for having lost the love of my life and my family; this day will come, I'm sure. But until then, I feel I am done crying (uuuuhhhh is this positive thinking I'm detecting here???). 

          Maybe you would wanna know how this happened; honestly I'd do too! I would really like to understand if indeed that moment of I'M DONE HURTING had arrived or if the young man has anything to do with my sudden change of mood and spirits. All I can say is that I recently lived some days laughing for just about anything, as if I were on drugs (actually, people at work are surely asking themselves whether I am either drinking or on drugs, or both, to make the pain go away). 

I had friends over and yes...there might have been a drink or two! OK, 4L of wine, but who's counting? For the very first time in 4 months, I feel alive again. For the very first time I feel that my life is really as it should be - WITHOUT pain. 

    I am not saying that I'm glad this happened, but maybe this life wasn't meant for me; maybe I should live by myself and raise my baby alone just to learn how to be on my own two feet. Maybe I am meant for greater things than live next to a man who did everything FOR ME. I should learn to actually be an individual.
  Psychologically I am still in his shadow; I was and I am still afraid of doing anything for fear I may disapoint BOB. FEAR!  The word BOB hates so much in me! But NOTHING that concerns BOB touches me NOW! NOTHING! I FEEL NOTHING knowing he is on vacation with the BITCH, I FEEL NOTHING seeing the BITCH driving his car to work. All I am capable of doing is ask myself : HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? Have I suddenly been brainwashed? I would have felt it, right?I mean..with all the technology nowadays...
 My life now means: love (for my baby), joy, friends, drink (occasionally), going out (occasionally), sex (occasionally - still as important, but not ready enough), friends again, playing.
     And the kid is making me feel like I can't think of anything else, but the way he makes me feel:) yeah, I am very coherent right now:) It all started with a ...pretext ;) He's constantly challenging me mentally and every time he's nearby, Mona gets crazy...and he's reaaaaaaally not my type at all...whatever that is;) I'm not sure I even have a type, but he really isn't it. And still... He calls me 3 NEURONS, I call him 1 NEURON. But sometimes, I'm preatty sure he's got more than I do. And what's even more interesting is that he's actually using them. I am terribly turned on by his intelligence, by the way he talks to me, by the way he has a line each time I have something to say.  Sometimes it's like a TOM and JERRY scene..and he makes me laugh.
    I cannot define this for now - and I don't know since when or how long this thing that cannot be defined is gonna last...but I AM SO ENJOYING THIS RIGHT NOW